Mothering in the Fog
It's amazing that I'm even sitting down to write this post... (we'll see if I get anywhere before something, rather some child, interrupts me...). Life post-Lucy has been like living in a fog.
But let me back up...
While I was pregnant with Lucy, I didn't give much thought to how I would handle life with 5 kids. To be honest, I didn't think I needed to. Virgil, baby #4, had been a breeze. I figured after three kids it was all about the same. It's kinda chaotic, kinda loud, you do alot of dishes and laundry and that's pretty much the gist of it. I guess I was fairly cocky about it... I really thought it would be no big deal to add another baby to the mix.
Then we had her... and she was (is) colicky. And then you add Virgil's renewed determination to dominate the house and everyone in it... and you get a shocked mamma.
It has been a real struggle for me. All of my systems, routines, and rhythms have been jolted. My house isn't clean, I can hardly get a meal made, and I feel like I never sleep. Lucy is 8 weeks old today, and I would have expected that life be pretty much back to normal by now. She still isn't sleeping through the night, she still cries a LOT, and I'm still facing each day in sweat pants and crazy untamed hair. Not to mention, there's basically no time for anything recreational or creative... which is about to kill me! I have piles of ideas in my head for crafts, decorating, and design projects. I have a bazillion things I want to put up on the blog... but absolutely no time (or energy).
But don't misunderstand my tone... I'm actually not complaining... rather painting a picture of what life is for me these days. A few weeks ago I would have been complaining, but I've been working on my perspective.
Lately I've been mulling over what it really means to live by the Spirit... especially these difficult days as a tired mamma. I haven't completely figured it out yet, but for me it involves a few intentional steps on my part. I've had to come to a place where I can accept the fact that this is MY PORTION. This isn't bad... it's not an accidental glitch in God's plan for my life. Rather this is what God has given me for now. I shouldn't be trying to change it or wish it away. Throughout the night and throughout the day I breath this prayer... "God do your work in me. Let these days refine me and accomplish whatever you would have them accomplish. Teach me to lean hard into you and to stop resisting this. Take away my selfish self-serving heart and replace it with a heart for you, filled with your Spirit."
The other part of it for me is finding a way to still be in God's word, pray, and even worship. It's fragmented and feels insignificant at times, but I'm trying to sneak it in where I can. My iphone has been such a wonderful tool! Because I can hold it and manipulate it with one hand, I'm able to read my Bible app while I'm walking Lucy to sleep or nursing. I've been using the Lifechurch.tv Bible app "You Version" which has reading plans on it. awesome.
During most nights, Lucy needs to be walked back to sleep after she nurses. I'm naturally not a happy person during the night :) I tend to feel very agitated or even angry. So as I pace the floor in the living room, lately I try to use the time to breath somewhat foggy prayers for my children and my husband instead of letting negative thoughts fester. I know they aren't my most eloquent prayers, but I know that the Lord hears them and blesses my determination to make the most of those sleepless nights. And I've noticed what it does for my attitude the next morning...
Then there's Pandora on the computer... Not a moment goes by that worship music isn't piped out of my Mac's speakers :) Yesterday Lucy was screaming... she had been crying for a long time and I couldn't get her to stop. My arms were so tired from carrying her and my nerves felt fried. Finally I just laid her down on the floor in my office and sat down beside her. Somewhere under the sound of her cries I heard a worship song coming from my computer. I don't remember what song it was but the words were something about bowing down and singing "holy". With frustrated tears coming to the surface, I just closed my eyes and took it all in...the crying, the exhaustion, and breathed "holy, you are holy...". For me, that was perhaps one of my most genuine moments of worship I've ever had. These days, that's enough.
I'm learning... it feels like a painfully slow process some days. But hopefully when this stage passes I will be able to look back and see how God grew me through the tough days and nights. I don't want to just survive these days, I want to allow God to use these days...
"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." Psalm 59:16
(this was the verse of the day, a couple days back, on my phone... I discovered it in the middle of the night and took it to heart :) )
Hey! What do you know?... I only had to stop once in the middle of typing this! That's pretty good :)
Oh, and I wanted to tell you... randomly, this has nothing to do with any of this... I joined Instagram! I can do it with one hand on my phone as well :) happy. happy. I added a button on the right sidebar... come find me!